Monday, December 9, 2013

OneLiners - Issue #3

The Thing - Rewatched it for the millionth time, and eh, it's official now: I think it's my most favorite horror movie! I can't say anything about it that hasn't been said by everyone already, so just relax and enjoy this masterpiece of special effects and suspense if you still haven't. 9/10
Road House - Easily one of Patrick Swayze's best movies and one of the best action flicks ever made. I can't do it enough justice, so I'll just quote the slogans: 'Dalton lives like a loner, fights like a professional. And loves like there's no tomorrow', 'The dancing's over. Now it gets dirty', 'Dalton's the best bouncer in the business. His nights are filled with fast action, hot music and beautiful women. It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it'. Also, it has Sam Elliott and some of the greatest badass dialogue I ever heard. The last spoken line always destroys me with laughter. 9/10
Rampage - A good movie by Uwe Boll? Yeah, why not! I liked the opening act, even though it felt a little long, and to be quite honest, the rampage itself was not as gory and ultra violent as everyone made it out to be. Either I'm a desensitized sicko, or I remember Dredd being way gorier... or both. 8/10
Assault On Wall Street - Another movie from Herr Boll, another one not being a video game adaptation, another one surprisingly dramatic in tone, and like Rampage, it's a serious and realistic take on the concept of Postal, this time revolving around the world economic crisis no less. Loved the cast, the action, and one scene in the middle even made me cry a bit (won't tell which one, 'cause it will be a spoiler). Oh, and the last thing to mention - we got Edward Furlong and Michael Pare sitting at one table in a diner. Unbelievable! 8/10
Next Of Kin - I guess this little action flick suffers from the same thing that was in all John Irvin's movies that I've seen so far (Dogs Of War, Raw Deal and this one) - interesting opening and action-packed ending are bridged by an extremely boring second act. The only thing that made me sit through the boring parts was Liam Neeson as a crazy hillbilly version of Paul Kersey. He was great! But the lack of Swayze is desperately felt in this one. 7/10
Stone Cold - Amazing biker action flick from the director of Dark Angel no less! The action scenes, while not John Woo material, are pretty fucking badass and remind you why shaky cam technique should be banned. Loved the performances, loved the 1% biker culture shown, as dumb and stereotypical as it probably was, but especially loved the overall tone, how it starts off cheesy and over the top Cobra style and gets really friggin' dark and violent by the end. 9/10
Homefront - An interesting idea executed poorly. The action scenes are terrible, the plot is overlong, some characters are pointless, and please oh please don't have Jason Statham do family drama... The Mechanic, as batshit dumb as it was, still left more impact on me. The only thing I gotta give the filmmakers credit for is trying to carry a serious tone and write some memorable characters. They failed, but at least they tried. 5/10
Hunt For The Red October - Amazing thriller directed by John McTiernan, adapted from the Tom Clancy novel, starring Alec Baldwin and Sean Connery, constantly referenced in all the 'Top N Action movies' lists. What the hell was I thinking to never watch it before?! The last 15 minutes were pure action platinum. 9/10
Crimson Tide - Very interesting psychological (sort of) techno-thriller from Tony Scott. Hackman and Washington are great, and the whole moral dilemma the plot's built around results in the consistent feeling of suspense that makes you sit on the edge. Superb study on the risks and ideology of management as a profession. I had it on DVD for a few years but never watched... and hey, it finally happened! 8/10
Micro Men - Part reenactment, part documentary about Clive Sinclair and Chris Curry, detailing the competition between ZX Spectrum and Acorn computers in the late 80s UK. From what I've read about Sinclair as a person, I think they captured his personality really well, and some of the events depicted, as crazy as they were (ex. the pub fight) did actually take place! The soundtrack and humor were awesome, too. 8/10
Ender's Game - Never read the original book, but the movie was a mixed bag. I liked the whole idea and the twist ending, but I dunno, something didn't click with me. Probably, it had something to do with acting, which was some of the worst I've seen in years, and that includes Harrison Ford. What the hell was he doing there in the first place?! 6/10
The Graduate - You've probably all seen this one already, so I don't see much point in reviewing it; this movie is just too famous, and I liked what everyone liked about it - you know, the comedy, the drama, the message, the soundtrack, the ending, the bittersweet aftertaste it leaves... Legendary heartwarming drama that, after 46 years, still doesn't feel obsolete. 9/10
Dracula & Son - A pretty funny, yet boring at times, comedy with Christopher Lee as, surprise, Dracula! Not the best vampire comedy ever (I especially disliked the ending), but still a nice fun flick. 6/10
Psycho (1998 Remake) - It wouldn't be as bad as everyone says if someone else was cast to play Norman. Vice Vaughn is too intimidating for the role by his stature alone, and this really ruins the character. Although he was kinda cute in drag by the end, LOL. Still glad I saw it, though. 6/10
Land Of The Dead - My least favorite in George Romero's classic 4-part zombie series. Unlike Dawn and Day Of The Dead, it doesn't really seem to do anything new, and it had the misfortune to come during the same period as the Dawn Of The Dead remake and 28 Days Later, which managed to reinvent the zombie genre and make it batshit scary again, so Land Of The Dead seemed to be too dated to most viewers, me included. I mean really, the lack of anything special strongly distracts from the movie. Did like John Leguizamo and Dennis Hopper though, and Asia Argento is a hottie as always. Eh. 7/10
Species - This is one of those movies that prove why some Alien knockoffs (Leviathan, Species, Within The Rock) work and some (Carnosaur 2) don't. It's an interesting example of high-budget B-movie, something sort of a loose remake of Tobe Hooper's Lifeforce. Sexy seductive murderous alien killer babe? Check. Fun and memorable characters? Check. Classic British actor (Sir Ben Kingsley in this case)? Check. All around fast-paced entertaining flick; though I didn't like the kidnapped woman subplot, so much so I can't give it 8, as I originally wanted. Oh well... 7/10
Absolon - One of the worst movies I've ever seen, so hysterically bad it's good. Every post-apocalyptic cliche in the book is here, Lou Diamond Philips' acting is horrible, Ron Perlman has barely a cameo, the script is like a stream of piss in your face... The only things I liked about this trash bomb were Christopher Lambert's performance (as useless as he was in such a cheap movie), hot actresses (which doesn't really compliment the characters, eh?) and how cheap I bought the DVD (while Tanya managed to get it even cheaper!) 1/10
Eraserhead - David Lynch's feature debut and art house classic. The director himself stated in a rather recent interview that to this day, nobody managed to understand the full meaning of this movie, so I won't even try. But what I do have to say is that it's perfect to be watched in the dark at home; you feel like a portal to another world opens before you; well, much like the Radiator Theater... ???/10
Gravity - Best movie of 2013. The less I say the better. 9,5 / 10