Friday, August 30, 2013

The Space Marine Week #6: Ultramarines [2010] (animation, sci-fi, action)

Uh, okay, let's for once have a look at a bad space marine movie...


Studio: Codex Pictures,
Director: Martyn Pick,
Screenplay: Dan Abnett,
Genre: Animation, Action, Sci-Fi,
Starring: Terence Stamp, John Hurt, Sean Pertwee, Steven Waddington, Donald Sumpter, Johnny Harris


You probably were wondering when WarHammer 40000 will pop up during the Space Marine week. Uh, here it is - the first and only official movie based on this board game franchise, and man that's a weird one. I guess, the most appropriate way to evaluate it would be to list the pros first and contras next. Well, the best thing is the sole fact that it's a WarHammer 40k movie, so yay for that. Basically, Games Workshop was getting a little pissed off at the time of all those fan films and put a monetary ban on poor indie filmmakers, deciding to show them how it must be done. Hilariously, that is.


And basically they just showed themselves crapping in their pants in front of the public.
Thank God this movie was direct to DVD.

So, Games Workshop commissioned the famous WH40k pulp author Dan Abnett to write a groundbreaking screenplay for this cinematic magnum opus. However the budget was a penny, thus he just quickly came up with WarHammer: Repercussions Of Evil and they lived happily never after, but more on that later. Despite the miserable production value, I kinda liked the backgrounds and scenery they pulled out of their Blenders. It's no Avatar by any means, but for a no-budget movie they look beyond okay. Oh, and finally, I sort of liked some of the action scenes - one out of three, I guess. Now that's it, this is the ultimate list of what's right tolerable with Ultramarines.


And you thought Megiddo had obsolete graphics. TvT

This Repercussions Of Evil wannabe is centered around three fractions: the titular Ultramarines, Imperial Fists and Chaos Marines. During the first half of the movie, the former are walking around as slowly as possible and tremble like pussies upon any leaf falling off, the Fists behave like your finest psychos this side of the Galaxy, and the latter mutate into Diablos (seriously, the animators must've re-used the model created by those who ripped GW off in StarCraft) and tear the Ultras to little blue pieces of Smurf essence, almost ignoring the Fists - simply because the Ultras, as sane compared to the Fists as they are, still don't understand that teasing and calling names at the Diablos is not the hottest idea.


Gears Of Lame.

All this motley crew is gathered at the Imperial temple defiled by the Chaos, which holds the Liber Mythros book - a codex so freakin' awesome that it should never be touched by anyone's hand - so much so the surviving Imperial Fists make sure to shoot down anyone who even tries. So, half the movie the Ultras are strolling through the desert searching for someone to fire at, the second half they're running away like screaming girls from the Chaosites and Diablos. Even such a dumbass story can be done plausibly and in an engaging way, but there are two, probably not really obvious, drawbacks that still don't permit me to rank this mockbuster higher than I did.


How do I get out of this chicken shit outfit?!

First of all, this desert patrol scene was the most boring fucking forty minutes I have ever experienced. You thought the ending to Doomsday Machine was torture? Well, imagine a really mediocre Aliens rip-off with the obligatory (keep in mind, I completely accept and understand this trope in general as it is) suspenseful search scene smeared to forty fucking minutes?! I mean, they use every cliche in the book - suddenly disabled radio? Check. Beacons sending out signals for no reason? Check. My God, what the hell are you doing, Abnett? They were building you up for me as one of the greatest writers of the century, and that's the best you could work in?!


1 anal raping.

The second pissoff point to me is the main character, Proteus. He's voiced by Sean Pertwee (oh hai), but that doesn't save him from being the worst abuse to the 'loser who always screws up, but he has a heart of gold, so in the end he triumphs over everybody' archetype. How can I cheer for a guy who, despite having all the required loyalty and stuff, does completely fucking nothing useful during the whole movie, failing everything, always, under any circumstances only to perform a lame-ass Fatality on the final boss (which he even couldn't defeat without external help!) and in the epilogue, to suddenly become a half-assed epic veteran of awesomeness?! What the flying fuck?! Even the goddamn Bella from Twilight did have less undeserved privilege!


You can't unsee a still of Bella in a WarHammer 40000 review, HA!

What they should've done, even keeping the retarded first half of the movie intact, with all the lame characters and horrendous dialogue, is switched Proteus and Severus around, because the scene of Severus slicing a horde of Chaos Marines into bloody pasta is practically the only reason to ever watch this hackwreck of a direct-to-DVD schlock. Well, maybe this and also the last boss fight.

Geez, the review seemed to last longer than the movie itself. Don't watch Ultramarines if you value your time. I don't, so I will suffer and burn in Hell.

My Rating: 2 / 10, because The Mutant Chronicles seem like Gone With The Wind compared to this.