Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Little Red Riding Hood - Gaming Edition (w/sinfearsilence)

This piece of Shakespearean gold is brought to you by yours truly and sinfearsilence.

Everybody knows the Little Red Riding Hood fairytale, as well as its unlicensed NES adaptation promoted by AVGN. However, what if a game based on this fairytale was released nowadays and made by the world's top gaming companies?!

(note: may contain some obsolete jokes and subjective opinions)

  • Crytek: The Hood is walking slowly across the shader-y forest with a crowd of Wolves moving towards her just as slowly. Everybody is looking around at the leaves, counting the polygons they consist of. While at that, the Hood is shooting down some Wolves, doing MAXIMUM PATTY to herself.
  • Bioware: The Lumberjack is walking through the wood to chop some trees. While he's at it, he falls in love with the scantily clad Hood, experiences betrayal, vengeance, hatred, learns the he is a son of a god, with some humorous cutscenes here and there. Near the end, the Hood disappears.
  • id: Story in a fairytale is like a story in a porn movie. It's expected to be there, but it's not that important.
  • Valve: The Hood is walking through the forest where she meets the vendors of hoods, patties and Wolves. The forest never ends.
  • Kojima Productions: The Hood meets the Wolf, and after a brief battle he shows her the way to Grandma's house and mysteriously disappears. When she arrives at the spot, it turns outhe helped her because he knew she would get there.
  • Capcom: The Hood is walking through the forest. In the sequel, she is walking through the forest to her Granny's house. In the next sequel, she's walking through the forest to her Granny's house carrying patties. In he next sequel, she meets the Wolf. And so on, and so on...
  • Electronic Arts: The busty Hood is walking through the mysterious forest with deliciously smelling patties in her basket, to where her badass Granny lives. Suddenly, the masculine pumped up Wolf appears and asks where she's heading in imperious tone. In the end, he steals the patties, and the Hood should get them back by racing against the Lumberjacks.
  • Blizzard: Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest. Little Blue Riding Hood is walking towards her. Little Green and Yellow Riding Hoods connect to the server.
  • Bungie: The Wolf is walking through the forest. The Hood is walking towards him carrying the pattI AM TYCHO! I SHALL DESTROY DURANDAL!!!!1111
  • Nintendo: Same as the original, but here the Wolf kidnaps Granny and gets defeated by the Lumberjacks. Afterwards, Grandma says 'Sorry Little Red Riding Hood, but your Granny is in another house!'
  • Cave: The Hood is walking through the forest. Over 9000 Wolves move towards her. The Biggest and Baddest Wolf is standing still, but 9000 more Wolves emerge from behind his back.
  • Konami / Double Helix / Climax: The Hood is walking through the forest and finally arrives in Silent Hill. There is no Granny... Then it turns out, the Hood is the Granny. She's carrying the patties to a house where her husband, the Wolf, died. But really, there are no patties. She eats them and dies. Or the UFOs arrive.
  • Activision: The Hood is going to her Granny with patties. In the sequel, she goes to her Grandpa. In the next sequel, she goes to her Mom. In the next one, the Red Cross goes to Iraq.
  • Atlus: Carrying a machete, the Hood is slashing through the wilderness to meet the Wolf, because everybody knows that afterwards she will arrive to her Granny's house where there'll be no thickets. But...
  • Bethesda: The Hood is walking through the forest, then through the town, then through the marketplace, then through the dungeon, then across the mountain, then through the citadel, then through the city docks, then through another forest, then through another town... Finally, she does a fasttravel across all these locations.
  • Rockstar:Da 'Hood meets an innocent Wolf in the forest, kicks his ass, takes all his money and buys some patties. Once done, she beats the fuck out of other harmless creatures and takes all their food supplies. And then she thinks: 'Why the hell do I need 'dat fucking Granny? I can open up a fuckin' shop here!'